


Romance Template

by AnnaFan



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 17:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11764824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaFan/pseuds/AnnaFan
Summary: So, it has long been rumoured that there is, somewhere, a template (down to the precise page number) for how to write a romance novel for a certain well-known publishing house.  I have not found this, but in exciting news, today Eschscholzia found the template in a book she'd borrowed from the library.  So I thought I'd have a go at second-guessing what such a template might look like, with a view to checking it against the real thing later.Feel free to use this as a template for your own work, or as a handy check-list to critique the works of others.  Or even as a how-not to guide.





	Romance Template

p1 - Our heroine is introduced. She is beautiful and sassy and independent (but not scarily so) and is in a new environment (first job as fully qualified nurse in hospital full of hawt doctors, newly divorced and moved to the wilds of Yorkshire, etc. etc.) She is allowed a job of a cookie-cutter variety to establish her as vaguely creative/caring (but must not come across as dedicated to said job, except insofar as it allows her to exhibit other more important qualities - so, if a nurse, caring must be up-played and scientific interest in human biology downplayed).

p3 - Our hero is introduced. Tall, dark, handsome and brooding.

p10 - We learn that the heroine has been "badly let down."

p15 - The second encounter. Our heroine is feisty. But that's okay because this is _good feistiness(TM)_ to indicate that she doesn't put out easily, not _bad feistiness(TM)_ indicating that she is (whisper it) a feminist.

p16 - Reiterate the heroine's appearance, particularly her smooth legs and armpits and fondness for pink, to underline that she is not a feminist.

p20 - Hints are dropped that beneath the hero's brooding exterior, he has _suffered_. And only the love of a _good woman(TM)_ will redeem him. 

Chapters 4 through 10 - But because a _bad woman(TM)_ is responsible for at least part of his suffering, our _good woman(TM)_ will have to put up with a lot of shit on the way.

Chapter 11 - But this is okay, because what makes a _good woman(TM)_ good is her ability to be long-suffering in the face of abuse, because true love will redeem all. (She may have a superficial layer of feistiness, but remember this doesn't make her a feminazi - see p15 - it is simply a metaphorical hedge of thorns for our _brooding hero(TM)_ to battle through).

p87 - They snog, possibly with a bit of groping, but then she pulls away. This (a) ramps up the sexual tension and (b) re-establishes that she is not easy (cf p.15)

p93 - Blazing row.

Chapter 13 - He has withdrawn into his man cave (because he is tall, dark, handsome and brooding - fortunately given the tallness, the cave has a high roof. And also all men are from Mars and therefore need caves - Sian, as a geologist can you confirm that there are deffo caves on Mars, otherwise the whole Mars/evo-psych mixed metaphor will fall apart and it will be the end of patriarchal civilisation as we know it. And all sorts of dreadful things will ensue - fire raining from heaven, cracks opening in the earth, code monkeys being sacked from Google for being sexist twunts on company time). 

Chapter 14 - This of course gives our heroine the chance to realise she has fallen in leurve (despite the hero having so far displayed exactly no, that's zero, nada, zilch, traits that one might fall for... Though he does have a cute ass.)

p107 - Another snog and grope, this time our heroine is about to succumb but our OTP are interrupted by external circumstances. This (a) ramps up the sexual tension another notch and (b) establishes that despite not being easy (cf pages 15 and 93) she is a deeply sensual and highly sexed woman.

Chapter 15 - Hastily and unconvincingly bolted-on after-thought of a plot puts our heroine in mortal danger.

16 - Hero turns into Mr. Action Guy and rescues the heroine. Preferably in a deeply implausible way which would leave professional writers of the thriller genre gouging their own eyes out.

Chapter 17 - Hero's emotional defences crumble and he turns into Mr. Nice Guy (but only after a blazing row, which he is forgiven for because he is upset because she was in danger and she apologises for because due to his manful manliness, she has now realised that feisty independence is not the way to true happiness).

Chapter 18 - They have IKEA sex consisting of oral (him on her - replace with vaginal fingering according to own personal preference as a writer) then penetrative, during which they must maintain eye contact, both of which leave her orgasmically soaring into the stratosphere, but only because she knows it is _4 evah(TM), (copyright: graffiti on desks all over my old school)_ so she can now give in to her sensuous nature without being easy.

They live happily ever after.

FIN


End file.
